There is Nothing After Death
by Siento
Summary: John knows nothing but heartbreak. Fed up with his son's inability to love, Henry Laurens arranges a marriage to Martha Ramsey set on January 1st, New Year's day. Terrified, John flees to New York where he meets someone who will change his life forever. Modern day, college AU, angst. (Primarily: Lams; Includes: Thaurens, Mullette, Jeffmads, Hamgelica, Marliza, Meggy)
1. Chapter One: Two Hearts

**Chapter One: Two Hearts**

If the whole galaxy is his to keep, John decides he'll just leave it alone. He knows the consequences of meddling with fate. The dim sky is speckled with the unforgiving stars, washing the field in cold, hard light. So strange, how people manage to see animals and old Greek heroes in the sky. John sees only the dark penetrated by far-away stars. He sees nothing.

John is lying in a ragtag field miles from his home with his sisters; Martha and Mary Eleanor, and his brothers; James and Henry Jr who all lay close in his arms to distance the terrifying shivers—no credit to the light wind... The night stretches on and so does their silence. John's throat is still throbbing painfully from earlier that evening…

 _"Father, you wanted to see me?" John murmurs through the thick wooden door, his hand lying limp on its cool face._

 _"Ah, yes, John, come in."_

 _John wipes his sweaty hands on his pants before cautiously opening the heavy door, squeaking on its metal hinges. John's father sits behind his desk, cool gray eyes steely._

 _"Sit."_

 _John sits in the brown leather seat before his father, the seat two inches lower than Henry Sr.'s. He forces himself to look into his father's face, the cruel, unforgiving lines of age creasing his forehead. A sign, perhaps, that his father is growing too old to beat him till death's door… perhaps he is not as strong as he used to be…_

 _John brightens at that fact._

 _"So," Henry Sr. begins, picking up a manilla folder and leafing_ with _careful coolness through the crisp pages, "I've noticed that you've been awfully quiet about your romantic life. How's that going?"_

 _"Uh," John says, startled and fighting to keep his voice steady, "it's not that—uh, I mean, I'm currently not in a relationship."_

 _"When was your last relationship?" Henry Sr. asks casually._

 _"I was ne—um, two years ago."_

 _"Who was the lucky girl?" John's father's voice is cool but his hands had stopped moving._

 _"Er… her name was, uh, Adrienne."_

 _"Adrienne what?"_

 _"A—Adrienne Françoise!" John blurts out._

 _"Hmmm… I've never seen her around."_

 _"Oh—we weren't dating that long, actually, so I never took her to meet you…?"_

 _John's father sighs and stands up. John makes to stand up as well but his father waves him down. John returns reluctantly to his seat, neck craned upwards so that he could look into his father's face as his father faced him._

 _"I don't think Miss Adrienne is real, John." Henry Sr. says quietly, maliciously. "In fact, I can't remember a single time you were ever in a relationship."_

 _John bites his lip._

 _"John Laurens, you have two jobs. One: get a good education and get yourself a good, high-paying job. Two: marry a respected woman and produce male offspring. You have failed at both of those. I asked you to major in law. You did not. I can't imagine what you could do with a degree in biology… how useless…"_

 _John slumps into his seat._

 _"And as for the woman, you have failed to choose a spouse, so now I must choose for you."_

 _"Father?" John begins fearfully, his mouth going dry._

 _"Two weeks from now," Henry Laurens Sr. hisses, his eyes sharp as knives, "you will be married to Miss Martha Ramsey, who comes from one of the most prestigious and respected families in South Carolina—"_

 _"No father!" John cries, clutching his face in horror, springing up to confront him. "Please, no, I beg of you, please—"_

 _"Shut up, I'm not done!" Henry Sr. roars, striking his son across the face with a meaty fist._

 _John cries out and staggers backward, falling against the wall with a muffled thump. Henry is breathing heavily, his fists still clenched, knuckles white._

 _"You will be married to Miss Martha Ramsey on the first of January. You will produce offspring, at least one male, and keep the Laurens bloodline alive. I will not permit anything else."_

 _John whimpers. "But father…"_

 _"You hear me?" Henry Sr. snarls._

 _John is silent, defeated, looking up to his father with wide, tear-filled, horrified eyes._

 _"I repeat: Do. You. Hear. Me?"_

 _John looks away, his deadly pride sure to be the last of him someday._

 _John's father snarls and crosses the small office in two strides, picking his son up by the neck and slamming him against the wall. John lets out a gurgling scream._

 _"YOU HEAR ME?" he demands._

 _"Y—Yes! I do, I do!" John finally chokes out, tears falling from his heavy eyes._

 _Henry Laurens Sr. releases John and stalks from the room, satisfied with his son's forced answer. As John lays in a puddle of his tears and blood, he squeezes the last salty droplets from his eyes and feels his_ _heart break._

Agony threatens to overwhelm and then it does, sapping strength from his weak and convulsing limbs.

Yes, heartbreak is very painful...

Everyone had two hearts. One emotional heart and one blood heart. The emotional heart lives in the back of your throat. Everyone has a different color; John's is a soft, rosy red. The emotional heart glows when it's whole and its color changes depending on how the person feels. Breaking your emotional heart is the most painful thing you can do to yourself. It hurts both ways, physically and mentally. They say some people die from the pain.

The blood heart just sits in your chest, pumping blood throughout your body, the useless lump it is. Nothing special there.

The rosy heart in John's throat would glow no more, shattered; it drips scarlet blood into his mouth. The metallic taste marinates his tongue. John glances up at the sky, picking out individual pinpricks of light, creating his own constellations in his head to pass the time as the moon climbs higher in the sky. The quiet is pristine and cold, the air as brittle as glass. Mary Eleanor, the youngest and the most foolish, is the first to break the silence.

"Jacky, what are you going to do now?" she asks, her wide fawn eyes, always too big for her face, batts innocently at him. She is small for seven, her dark hair plaited messily; the handiwork of her older sister, Martha. "Are you going away again?" Her pale pink heart dims a notch in the pale light of the moon.

John coughs and closes his eyes while his heart clenches up in grief. "My darling Mary, I am so sorry, but I… I have to leave. I cannot stay here."

"Not again!" Mary Eleanor cries, her piteous wailing rousing James, whose eyes also begin to fill with tears.

"Jack," James whimpers, his green heart and face pale with cold, "who'll protect us from father then? Who will calm him in his rages?"

James, for only being fifteen, looks the most like John. They both have rich, chocolaty hair and a fair, heart-shaped face dotted heavily with freckles. The only difference is that James's eyes are clear blue, like their deceased mother's, while John's are a heavy hazel. John longs to turn his head to look at his brother, but his neck aches sorely, bruises ringing it like a purple collar.

"Henry can," John murmurs, his throat and eyes stinging like a fire, "Henry is on better terms with father anyways. Always is on better terms with father."

"Not true," Henry Jr. chides, his brown eyes troubled. "Father loves all of us equally. Yes," he adds, noticing John's skeptical look, "all of us. Especially you, Jack."

John closes his eyes and shakes his head slightly, wincing.

"I know he does," Henry says, his yellow heart shining confidently.

Martha clears her throat. "James, take Mary Eleanor home now. It's nearly past bedtime and father will be furious if she stays out too late. He'll be worried for her health."

"Martha!" James protests, "I want to stay!"

"Listen to your sister," Henry, the second-eldest child, commands. "And don't you have your calculus final tomorrow? It's nearly ten, you should go. Think about Mary," he presses when James still looks mutinous, "would you keep her out here in the cold against her will?"

James finally sighs and stands up. He takes small Mary by the hand. "No."

The Laurens siblings do everything together; much closer than regular siblings. However, their love for each other comes at a high price. With a dead mother and a bible-bound and strict father, they have never been shown much affection. Their father spends most of his days working and comes home very late every night. When John still lived with his family, he and Martha would wake up early every morning to prepare breakfast. Then, once they had finished, John would drive himself and Henry to high school while Martha would walk Mary to her elementary school. James would walk by himself to his middle school. Martha would come back and do the dishes and then she would drive herself to school, always nearly late. Their father offered no help whatsoever with academics or extracurricular activities either. The only time he would acknowledge their existence was when he would take them to church on Sundays, John standing uncomfortably to the side his mind not paying any notice to the babble being dribbled down in a bitter syrup.

"Jack," Martha says once James and Mary had disappeared into the tall grass, "about father's proposal—"

"No!" John cries fiercely, "Do not speak of it!"

"John!" Henry cut across, "it would do no good to keep all that bottled up inside you. Martha only wants to help! And—and so do I."

"No one can help me," John says, scrambling to his feet. Martha and Henry quickly mirror him. "There's nothing anyone can do. Father made himself clear. I cannot refuse."

"You still have two more weeks of freedom before the wedding," Martha says desperately, searching for something good in the mess. Her purple heart flickers feebly as so do her eyes.

"Two weeks?!" John explodes, "Only two weeks left of freedom in my entire life! Only two more weeks before being hogtied to a woman—a total stranger—and forced to provide for her for the rest of my life! Only two more weeks, then I have to hide forever! You—you know how I feel about women!"

"I know," Martha says quietly.

"And, and father! He knows, I know he does! He must have found out somehow… was it my lack of interest in the women at his parties? Or was it how I've never had a romantic relationship with a woman before? He's done this to me, I know, this is my punishment for being gay, I knew it, I knew it!"

"Jack—" Henry begins.

"No, no! Don't talk, please, don't talk! I can't believe it, why won't he let me be who I am? If he could stick his pretentious nose somewhere other than his bible for once, maybe he can see that being gay really isn't sinful! I mean, it's the 21st century! Look at where we are, look at where we started! Everyone's more accepting now, it's not the 1800s! It's—it's—it's—!"

And his voice falters as his mind reels a mile a minute. Only one thought and one face can form in his mind as two pieces snap together. John drops to his knees, tears springing to his eyes and flowing hot and fast down his face. He cups his hands over his eyes and opens his mouth, letting out a strangled sob as he feels blood drip from his tongue into the crushed grass at his feet… Still trying to push away that face into only splinters of his subconscious…

 _A magenta heart glows brightly in the dim light of dusk. Its owner smirks down at John, the wild curls a halo around his head. His brown eyes were only a shade darker than his toffee-colored skin._

 _"So," Thomas says, "you were saying earlier… you wanted to tell me something…?"_

 _"Uh," John stutters, blushing crimson and winding his fingers through his hair, "no?"_

 _"Mmhmm," Thomas hums, narrowing his eyes in disbelief. "Sure. I totally believe you."_

 _John blushes harder and bites his lip, turning his head away. Thomas coos._

 _"Aww, don't turn your cute little face away from me. Why so embarrassed? Is something—" Thomas reaches down and presses his long-fingered hands to John's abdomen "—bothering you?"_

 _John lets out a pathetic squeak, his eyes flying open as he temporarily forgets how to breathe. Thomas's hands are cold against his warm body, the flames which were creeping around his ears are now licking their way greedily down his back. John sucks in a breath of air and turns his face slowly towards Thomas's._

 _"N-No," John breathes shakily. "All's swell." He licks his lips._

 _Thomas gives John a long, almost disappointed, almost triumphant look and then forcefully grabs John's face with those cold, cold hands and drags him into a kiss. John's eyes fly open and he stares at Thomas in complete shock, his body going rigid. His mind whizzes and tumbles through clouds and cotton balls and all the useless fluff. He feels like he had been electrocuted, his knees going weak and wobbly as his hands and feet tingle with electricity. He closes his eyes._

 _After a long minute, Thomas Jefferson breaks away and John sways where he stands, his eyes going a little crossed. He finally manages to focus on Thomas's slightly pink face. Thomas is grinning._

 _"I knew it," Thomas smirks, "You love me."_

 _"I think—well, rather you, uh, I think you—uh—" John stutters, his mind blank._

 _Thomas laughs. "See you tomorrow, Jacky."_

 _"Doh," John says, still stuck in his stupor. Thomas laughs again and pats him on the shoulder. John sways and sinks to the floor._

The real John starts to tremble violently, grabbing fistfuls of curls and pulling, screaming now, losing all control of himself.

"Jack!" Martha cries, grabbing her elder brother's arms and shaking him slightly, "Jack, snap out of it! You need to calm down. I'm all for having you express your feelings about the situation, but having a mental breakdown isn't the best way to do it!"

John takes a deep, shuddering breath and then falls limp in Martha's grasp.

"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I'm not myself today. Not after…"

Martha lets go of his arms and sits back. She and Henry exchange helpless glances and they move closer to their defeated brother. They sit together in silence until Henry can't stand the pain anymore and stands up, leaving the two alone in the watery moonlight. As Martha fingers the golden locket around her neck, John falls into the abyss of sleep…

 _"Gil," John says, shaking the dark, lanky boy. "Gil, ge' up!"_

 _"What?" Gilbert de Lafayette mutters, shaking his curls, his dark, corkscrew hair bouncing back and forth hypnotically. "John? It is midnight!"_

 _"Pas' midnigh'," John grins, standing up and slipping on a warm fleece jacket. "C'mon, I wan' to go to town."_

 _"Town?" Gilbert says, now wide awake, alarm in his black eyes. "John, you must not go to town! It is dark and cold, you will have sickness if you do!"_

 _"I won' ge' ill," John says, discreetly correcting his French friend's grammar. Gilbert's native language was French, and he always struggled with English grammar and conjugations._

 _"Still, I do not think it wise. What would your father say?"_

 _"Don' care wha' father says. He doesn' le' me go into town, no matter how much I beg him. Did he really think he'd keep me away forever, locked up in this stupid house, forcing study upon study on me? He rarely ever even lets me see you! I think the only reason you're allowed to come sometimes is 'cause the Washingtons are loaded."_

 _"True, John, but I still am thinking—"_

 _"Oh, Gil, jus' this once, please! I'll migh' never have another crack a' escaping, even if it only for a few hours!"_

 _"I do not know," Gilbert says, still hesitant. "I do not want to be in trouble. I might never be allowed to come over again."_

 _"Please?" John whines, grabbing Gilbert's arm._

 _Gilbert sighs and then shakes his head again._

 _"Fine, but only this one time. I will not accompany you again."_

 _"Thank you so much!" John exclaims, pressing a kiss to Gilbert's cheek. Gilbert flushes in the dim light, but he goes unnoticed by John._

 _John and Gilbert escape through the back door and quietly steal towards the iron-wrought gate, which separates the Laurens property from the rest of the world. In the dark light of the new moon, every step holds new dangers. Gilbert snaps a few twigs as John knocks over an old, crumbling statue. The marble hits the stone path with a large crunch, the sound magnified in the deathly silence._

 _John and Gilbert freeze, terrified. A few minutes' pass and nothing happens. John lets out a sigh of relief. Then a light flickers on in the master bedroom._

 _"Oh mon Dieu!" Gilbert moans and grabs John's arm, dragging his freckled friend over the shelter of the mangrove trees. "He is awake, your father is awake! He knows we are out here! We have to hide!"_

 _"Where?" John gasps, terror clouding his mind._

 _"In—In this bush!" Gilbert says, shoving John and himself into an overgrown holly bush._

 _The spiny leaves press uncomfortably into John's exposed skin, and a cold draft blow in, rattling the leaves and numbing his face and hands. A few silent, uneventful minutes' pass before—_

 _"What in the hell are you doing in there? What in the hell are you doing with him?!"_

 _The holly bush is ripped open as John's father's livid face shone through, blocking the feeble light of the moon._

 _"Father!" John cries fearfully, "I can explain! See, me an' Gil were—"_

 _"No, I don't want to hear your pathetic excuses. Creeping around the grounds at two in the morning, nearly scared Mary to death, thought it was a burglar trying to break into the house! What're you doing in that goddamned bush—"_

 _John's father turns around to make a sign of the cross, muttering to himself: "In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, forgive me for saying the Lord's name in vain. Amen."_

 _He turns back around with frightening eyes. John gulps in air fearfully and Gilbert clasps his hands under his chin, his black eyes wide and apprehensive. Gilbert has always been terrified of John's father, but he seems to be keeping his head… for now. John draws strength from Gilbert's temporary bravery._

 _"We wasn' doing nothing wrong, father! We was jus' going to see if we could find the—the ca'!"_

 _"The cat? My ass! The cat's in Martha's room where it always is! You were doing something else, I know it. Sneaking around long after dark with Gilbert! What'd you think you were going to do? A couple of twelve-year-olds in the wee hours of the morning? What people would say! They would say I've raised a hooligan!" John's father's steely grey eyes are smoldering with rage as he takes a threatening step towards the two young boys. Realization dawns on John._

 _"Father, please!" John pleads, flinging himself in front of his father, "Blame me! 'Twas my idea, all mine! Gil did none of the plannin'! I forced him, yes I did! Spare him, please! Think of wha' the Washington's would wonder if he came home in a mess!"_

 _Henry Sr. stops in his tracks and narrows his eyes at John, the moonlight gleaming off his close-cropped black hair. He is nearly six-foot-five, broad-shouldered and handsome in a cold, malicious way. The only trait he had passed onto his children were the freckles scattered across his nose._

 _Henry seems to have made his mind and glares at Gilbert, jerking his head to the left. Gilbert takes one last futile glance at John before darting past the big man and fleeing as if his life depends on it. Henry advances towards John as the trembling boy takes a deep breath. A strong hand grabs his collar and lifts John up. A fist swings out to greet him._

"Jack. Jack."

John groans and blinks open his eyes, groggy. He has grass pressed into his cheek and tangled in his curls. He raises his eyes to the lightening sky and his heart drops to his feet.

"Oh shit, what time is it?"

"Six," Martha breathes, her eyes wide with terror.

"Shit," John repeats. "Father! He'll—I need to leave, you know I can't stay, not after this, don't care if father paid the college tuition already, I'll be in New Yo—"

"If you need to go, just go!" Martha bursts out, her eyes wide with fear. Her purple heart flickers and dims. "Don't worry about me, you know father wouldn't hit a woman. It's you who you should be worried about. You must get away now; catch a train to New York."

"Without even saying goodbye?" John asks incredulously. "I must say goodbye to Mary and James and Henry first!

"Just go!" Martha cries, exasperated. "They'll understand, I promise." She glanced at the steadily lightening sky. "Go!"

John scrambled to his feet and pulls Martha into a bone-crushing hug. He stumbles across the wild, untamed fields, wiping tears away from stinging eyes. The long, ropey grass grabs at his legs, the green fronds whispering and slick with night-time dew. He grits his teeth and struggles on through the waist-high grass, thick and lush, perfumed from the night flowers. The white patches of dandelions explode, their seeds dancing through the air as he kicks through them. John's eyes water as a half-forgotten memory of warm summer nights, dandelions, and James resurfaces. He pushes the memory away angrily. Now is not the time.

He blunders onto a dirt path and jogs down it until he reaches the outskirts of town, the gravel crunching and grinding against his worn leather boots. Dawn has now risen from her golden throne, the sky alight with warm hues. Out of breath, John throws himself mercilessly into the suburbs, alternating between sprinting and jogging as he cuts his way through the streets, searching for the train station.

John slips past a sketchy alleyway and then suddenly catches sight of a sleek, silver sports car. Heart hammering in his throat, he ducks into the nearest shop, which turns out to be a Starbucks. It is jam-packed with people, most of them tapping away on their phones or computers, sipping warm season-themed drinks. John aches to be one of them; normal, boring people with enough money to afford a drink or two. Leisurely scrolling through Instagram or Tumblr and checking out awesome memes. John swallows a lump in his throat and backs out, closing the door gently behind him. Head down, he shoves through the swarms of people and makes his way uptown.

At long last, he spots the train station and pulls a few crumpled bills from his pocket to purchase a one-way ticket to New York. On the train, he presses his forehead to the grimy glass windows and cries until everything blurs and turns black, and he welcomes himself into unconsciousness.

* * *

 **Um, hello! I hope you like my Fanfiction. This is the first time I've ever made my writing public, so I'd like to hear some of your guys's feedback and suggestions! I'd like to give a massive shoutout to my incredibly talented beta reader,** **L.E-Rae _x_ who has an awesome Fanfiction, named "Im Throwing Away My Shot" (It's really awesome, check it out!) And yes, this is a slow-burn(ish) Lams story, but I'll have Laurens X Jefferson angst (I don't know the ship name for this is not a popular ship), Marliza, Meggy angst, Mullette, and others that'll appear later in the story. Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have an awesome rest of your day (or night)! Muchas gracias!**


	2. Chapter Two: Broken

**Chapter Two: Two Broken Hearts**

John fumbles with the key, his hands shaking, as he inserts it into the slot. He turns it, and with a grating noise that he remembers so well, the door unlocks. John takes a deep breath, not knowing what to expect, and gently turns the knob and pushes it open with his fingertips. The door reveals a dorm room, as messy as John expects, with dirty clothes shoved under the bed and chip crumbs littering the floor. He can hear an electric razor buzzing away in the bathroom. John steps inside and closes the door after him. He sighs and shakes his head, his mouth a half-smile.

He struts over to the small utility closet in the back of the room and opens the door, expecting to find the broom and dustpan. They are absent. John frowns and turns around, scanning the room but to no avail.

The razor whirrs to a stop and John's heart drops into his stomach. Then he hears the shower start to run. Sighing in relief, he finally spots the broom crowded into a corner with an umbrella and a cane. He grabs the broom and dustpan and starts sweeping up the mess on the floor. He is so absorbed in his work to clean the room that he doesn't hear the shower stop or the bathroom door open. He doesn't notice the person watching him in silence until he stands up to grab the laundry basket.

John's eyes go wide and he drops everything to bring his hands to his mouth. He takes an uncertain step towards the man, hands trembling as he reaches out.

"Oh my God, I… I…" he whispers.

Thomas, eyes cold as the northern wind, simply stares at John, his arms crossed and foot tapping.

John's lower lip starts to wobble and fresh tears leak out of his eyes. "Thomas, have you still not forgiven me?"

Thomas sighs and brings his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes and not looking at John. He walks over to his wardrobe and pulls out a white t-shirt, gray boxers, and magenta jeans. As he dresses, John stares at his tall, lean figure and wishing with all his heart that it still belonged to him.

"So," Thomas says as he finishes pulling on his jeans, "what the fuck are you doing here?"

John shakes his head and looks away. "I-I have something to tell you…"

Thomas sighs. "It better not be an apology because I'm not going to even listen to it." His magenta heart is broken and pale, just like John's. He has huge eyeshadows and his face looks gaunt as if he hadn't been eating properly.

John cringes. He had been meaning to apologize, but that was now out of the question. All that was left was his news.

"Thomas," John begins, his voice quavering, "I-I don't know exactly how to say this, but… you know my father, how he wants me to get settled down? Well, he… he…"

"John," Thomas says sternly, "spit it out."

"He's arranged a marriage for me, Thomas. I'm getting married against my will!"

John's words have a lasting ring for a second and then die out. Thomas is frozen, his eyes wide with alarm. Then he groans and falls face-first into his bed.

John crawls to Thomas and places a hand on his shoulder. Thomas slaps John's hand away immediately.

"Don't touch me!"

John backs away and covers his mouth with his hands, crying in earnest now. Thomas still can't look at John, but John can tell that his anger is ebbing away. Thomas breathes in and out, reaching for his inhaler. He takes a couple hits and then folds his hands in his lap, clasped protectively around his inhaler.

"So," Thomas says once he is able to breathe properly again, "who's the lucky woman?"

He knows without a doubt that John's father would make sure he marries someone of the opposite sex. He knows that John's father isn't too hot on homosexuality.

"Some chick named Martha Manning. I've never seen nor met her in my life," John says, raking hair out of his face.

"Damn," Thomas sighs, "when's the wedding?"

"First of next year," John mumbles.

Thomas turns his face away, staring at the wall. He and John sit in silence for a couple minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. John snaps his fingers and Thomas finally faces his former lover.

"Hey," John says, "I know you don't want this, but this is what you need."

"Shit man," Thomas says, "I don't want an apology."

"But you need it," John says, "and I need it too. Just hear me out and you never have to see me again. I'll delete your contact and you can block my number. Heck, I'll delete everything if that's what you want! I'll just erase myself from your life. I'll drop from the Astrology Club so you won't have to see me there, and I'll stop going to the places where we might meet! It'll be great, just you! And… and not me! Would you like that? I know you'd like tha—"

Thomas had a finger up. "Just get on with what we need."

John takes a deep breath and finally begins. "Thomas, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't be there with you, I'm sorry that I can't be strong enough to commit to a relationship. I'm sorry for what I had with Lee, I'm sorry that I was never there for you when you needed me most. I can't deal with anything now, just like I couldn't deal with anything in the past. I'm an utter fuck-up, this I know. Everything I've done was just mistake after mistake, and you've been patient enough to put up with my shit for so long. I'm just really sorry for everything, and maybe someday, I would be a better person, and maybe, if you wanted, we could start over. Maybe not as boyfriends, or even friends. But maybe acquaintances. If you're willing, of course! If you don't, I understand completely. But I just wanted to say I'm really, really sorry and I promise none of this will EVER happen again."

Thomas was silent for a second. Then he shakes his head. "Apology not accepted. And it will never be accepted. Do you think a mouthful of empty words can erase months of devastating pain and betrayal? You must be even shallower than I thought if you've tricked yourself into thinking this."

"How can I make this up to you? Please, Thomas!" John begs.

"You can't," Thomas says shortly, getting up to his feet.

"You hate me, don't you?" John whispers, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"You little fuck, of course I don't hate you."

John looks up in surprise.

"I don't hate you and I reckon I never will hate you. I could never do that. I just can't. Not after everything you did and didn't do. To hate you, I'd have to hate beyond hate everything else in this world. I don't, won't, and never will."

Thomas gazes into John's dark eyes, his golden ones sharp with pain. "After all the crap you've put me though, I can't help but to still love you."

John's mouth drops open and he flings himself into Thomas's arms. Thomas falls backward onto the bed with John, hugging the shorter boy to his chest and rocking him protectively. John's tears soak through Thomas's shirt and neither of them cares.

"Why do you still love me?" John whispers through his tears.

"I have no fuckin' clue. I just do. I just love you. I think at this point, there's no way I can't love you."

"I love you too, Thomas," John whispers.

Though John can't see it, Thomas closes his eyes painfully.

"No, you don't."

John looks up sharply. "Yes, I do!"

Thomas shakes his head dismissively. "You don't. You don't and never will."

"Who are you to determine that?" John demands, pushing himself up to straddle Thomas. "Who do you think you are? You think you know me better than I do?"

Thomas stares long and hard into John's eyes. "I do."

"Bullshit," John announces.

Thomas shrugs. "If you say so."

They are silent for a moment.

Then Thomas hesitantly raises his arm to stroke John's cheek. He looks at John with such tenderness and love that John starts to thaw against Thomas, sliding down to rub his cheek against Thomas's forehead. Thomas laughs tiredly and boops John's nose with his finger. John giggles and shakes his head, his curls bouncing up and down.

Suddenly, John's phone starts to buzz and Thomas reaches into John's back pocket to answer it, an old habit he hasn't grown out of.

"Oh, hey Lafayette. Yeah, I know John's back." There was a pause. "Yeah, I do. He's with me. I think… I think he has something he needs to tell you. Tell you all." Thomas catches John's eye and they both nod.

John could hear Lafayette's thick french accent, though silent and slightly distorted by his phone. Thomas nods and smiles wryly. "Yeah, we'll be there in five."

He hangs up and passes the phone back to John. "We're meeting Laf, Herc, and Angie in front of the Boba place. They're worried about you."

John bites his lip as he remembers his encounter with Angelica earlier that day…

" _John!" Angelica cries, pulling him into a hug. "How was your stay? Was it…" her voice trails off as she notices the pain etched across John's face._

" _Ange, do you still have Thomas's spare key?"_

 _Angelica wraps her hands protectively around her purse. "John, I don't think seeing Thomas is the best idea. Not after… you know."_

" _Please," John begs, "I really need it! I-I need him."_

 _Angelica shakes her head. "He's still in pain. He's still recovering. I know you haven't seen him for a month or so, but I've been visiting him occasionally. He's a ruin, John, and he won't thank you for coming back."_

" _Angelica, please. I need to tell him something, something that can only be told to him by me and no one else. As soon as possible."_

 _Angelica pauses and gives John a searching look. "Are you okay?"_

 _John shakes his head. "Brilliant. Now give me Thomas's key!"_

 _He makes a swipe for Angelica's purse and she backs up a few feet. "John, I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, look at you! You sound insane."_

" _Maybe I am!" John shouts before storming away, feeling somewhat ashamed, leaving Angie dumbfounded in the breeze._

 _His mind was still ticking away, wondering where the hell he was going to end up after this. He was off to see Thomas- he knows that. But what he was going to do when he got there was a completely different scenario. He was battling his own mind at this point._

" _Yes, go! No, stay!" Were common arguments he was having with himself, a civil war in the front of his mind._

 _All this violence he has building up in his head only gets him closer towards the thing he longs to leave, yet desires to embrace… He's ten feet from Thomas's door when he remembers the spare they had planted so long ago in Thomas's rose bush pot. He digs around, the thorns scratching his hands badly until his fingers brush against cold metal, slightly damp with a spot of blood._

 _He nervously blows off the dusty, rusty key, more a sigh than a breath, and prays it's still intact enough to turn the lock. His fingers fumble as he hastily lines the key up to its slot and with a deep breath, turns it._

"John? Earth to John?"

John blinks and focuses on Thomas. "Sorry, zoned out again."

Thomas sighs. "Why do you always space out all the time? I mean, you did it a lot more in the beginning, and you got better, but now…"

John half-smiles. "Reliving fun times."

Thomas opens his mouth to say something but John hastily cuts in. "Now aren't we supposed to meet the squad in like thirty seconds?"

"Shit, babe. You're right." Thomas's hands fly to his mouth. "Oh... sorry. I guess… I guess… Shit, John. You're right."

John covers his face with his hands as the guilt washes down over him again.

Why?! Why do I do things like this? Why did I have to do all those shitty things, now we're not together and now look what I've done! I've made him call me "babe" again like nothing ever happened between us! How could I? I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be with Thomas, Thomas who calls me "babe" like we're still together, Thomas who—"

"John!" Thomas says sharply, grabbing John's hands and tugging them down from his face. "Not a good time! Save those self-loathing thoughts to yourself and hurry up or else we'll be late."

All the warmth had disappeared from his tone as if he too remembered what had happened. He had been brought back to reality.

"Let's go," Thomas says, a new roughness to his voice.

John stands up obediently and follows Thomas out of the room, closing the door gently behind them.

"Hey, John!" Hercules engulfs John in a giant hug as if he hadn't seen John in years. Lafayette scrambles into Hercules's hug, which isn't hard with his petite frame.

"It's good to see you again!" Lafayette shouts in John's ear, his English warped under his thick accent. "Je connais aucun de vous mais Thomas peut me comprendre, mais vous ressemblez à l'enfer!"

"English, Lafayette," John reminds his bilingual friend.

"You look like hell," Lafayette translates.

"Just got back," John says, rolling his eyes in spite of the smile warming his face.

"Hate to break up this lovely reunion, but I was under the impression that John came here to tell us something important."

Angelica slides into view from behind Thomas, holding a Boba tea. Her voice was gentle enough, but her eyes were sharp and probing.

"Uh, yeah," John says, clearing his throat.

"You know how much of a bastard my dad's been acting lately about me not being in a hetero relationship and, to him, not in any relationship at all for years?" John avoids Thomas's hawkish gaze. "So, being the dick he is, he's forcing me to—" he chokes on his words. John tries again. "To—"

He shakes his head. "I can't say it," he whispers, tears slowly filling his eyes, "I'm sorry." The reality of what is going to happen to him finally crashes over him and John collapses to the floor, crying. Over the noise of his sobs and tears, he hears Thomas tell everyone in a quiet voice that he is to be married to a woman he's never met before on the first of the new year.

"Oh John," Lafayette says, crouching down to stroke his friend's head. "It'll be okay, do not worry. Everything will work out. If it doesn't of its own accord, we will figure out a solution. What it may be; I don't know."

"Yeah, man," Hercules says, grabbing John by his armpits and hoisting him up off the cold, hard linoleum tiles. "We'll be here for you to Pluto and back."

Angelica wraps her arms around John's waist and hugs him tightly from the back. She didn't say anything, but John can feel her mentally transferring some of her strength to him, and that was enough.

John sniffs and closes his eyes.

"I'm so lucky to have you guys."

"No," Angelica says, "we're so lucky to have you."

There is a rumble of assent from the others and he melts into their words. If only for a second, feeling wanted in this world.

* * *

It's later that day, and John is sitting alone in his empty dorm room. Charles Lee, his former roommate, had dropped out earlier this year. Not only was Charles failing his classes, but he had a tendency to pick fights around campus, and John figured he was going to be expelled anyway. Charles and John had been friends with benefits for a couple of months before Thomas sensed something. He went through John's phone and found all his texts to Lee, the drunken messages, the sexting, and that was the final straw for him. Thomas and John's relationship had been pretty unstable for some time anyway. Thomas broke it off and isolated himself from everyone and everything. He withdrew from their mutual friend group, muted their group chats, and cut off all means of communication with everyone. He went back to Monticello for three weeks, claiming to have had a family emergency. When he came back, John decided that maybe he should leave campus for a little bit as well. Not even a day after that thought, John's father had sent for him, and John almost gladly accepted the invitation and left at once.

Now he's gotten a message from Aaron Burr, his lab partner, who also happened to be in a half-relationship with Angelica, asking him to meet up and get a drink with him and the gang (minus Angelica; though she likes to drink, the bar isn't her thing).

John sighs and rubs his forehead. He really wants to sleep, but the urge to numb himself from the pain is stronger and against his better judgment, accepts. Smiling grimly, John wonders how intoxicated he will be by the end of the night. Hopefully, his hangover will be too severe and he'll miss his first few hours of class.

He wishes.

"John, how nice to see you again!" Aaron flashes John a bright smile as he tugs on John's sleeve, pulling him down next to him. "There's someone I'd like you to meet! His name is Alexa—"

"I'm sorry, Aaron," John cuts in blandly, "but the last thing I want to do today is meet another fresh face. Sorry, but today's not my day. I don't think I can wake up Happy John just yet. Not after the shit I went through this morning. I-I just need a drink."

The new guy, Alex or whatever, is looking at John with a slightly hurt expression, his brown eyes a little soft with sadness. John barely spares him a glance before striding off to the counter and ordering a strong glass of liquor. No beer for him tonight. He just needs to get as drunk as possible. Anything to take the pain away.

John picks up his glass and is about to turn away before someone large stumbles into him, familiarly warm and heavy.

"Gah, Herc!" John exclaims, a bit bitterly as a little of his drink sloshes out and onto his shirt. "Watch it!"

Hercules hiccups and raises his eyebrows at him. "Geeze, John. No wonder Burr says you've been acting like a really huge dick tonight. What's gotten into you, man?"

John rolls his eyes and takes a swig. The alcohol burns as it runs down his throat, and though John secretly hates that pain, he wants more. More pain. More gain.

"Jesus Christ, I wonder why?" John begins sarcastically, "Let me think… oh yeah! I'm going to get fucking married to a woman I don't fucking know, Thomas and I broke up and I just made things a lot worse between us today, and I have CLASSES tomorrow, on top of all that crap!"

"Oh, shit," Hercules says, draining his glass. "I forgot."

John grits his teeth and chugs his drink to mask his anger. Hercules was always seemingly forgetful once he's had something to drink. With relief, John feels his anger start to fade and the familiar feeling of numbness replace it. He orders another hard liquor.

John and Hercules drink and chit-chat amiably (well, at least Hercules does. John just mopes around and drinks). The conversation turns slowly towards Aaron's new "friend" (victim).

"I wonder what Aaron has planned this time for that little weeb," Hercules says, "will he become another F.W.B., or will Aaron decide it's better to just friendzone the poor man and leave him to wallow in his misery?"

John slaps Hercules's arm. "Shut up! What's this crap you're talking about our bud' Aaron? He's a nice guy. He doesn't do that kind of shit. You know he's just giving a tour of the campus to this new guy."

Hercules rolls his eyes. "Aye, _of_ _course_ I know that! Is that joke dead, or what? Seems to me just three weeks ago you were laughing along with the rest of us."

John bites his lip and looks away. "Three weeks was a lifetime ago, Herc. Hard times force people to change quickly."

"Philosopher McLaurens. I heard the new dude's smart and probably into that kind of nonsense shit! Hey, I'll introduce you!"

"Um," John says, "honey, no flipping way."

Hercules rolls his eyes. "It'll be fine, man! Here—" he hooks a massive arm into the crowd and pulls out a drunken Lafayette.

"Ooh, hello John!" Lafayette giggles, pecking John on both of his cheeks. "I didn't really expect to see you here!"

"Yeah," Hercules butts in, swigging his beer. "Lafayette and I made a bet! He bet you wouldn't come, and I bet that you probably wouldn't come!"

"So you owe me five," Lafayette sings swinging his arms around Hercules's neck and burrowing his face into the small of his larger friend's back.

Hercules blushes like a maniac and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a rumpled five and pushing it into Lafayette's hand.

"Yeet!" Lafayette screeches, "more money for SHOTS!"

"Wait," Hercules says, stopping Lafayette before he can rush away to the counter, "let's introduce John to the new guy first. Then you can buy your shots."

"Aww," Lafayette complains. "Can I PLEASE get one round of shots first, and then we can introduce whoever needs to be introduced?"

Hercules grumbles, and in that time span of exactly one second, Lafayette disappears, presumably off to buy his round.

"Damnit!" Hercules exclaims.

John cracks a begrudging half-smile and takes a sip of his liquor, finishing his fourth glass. His head is spinning and he's pretty sure he's never been more drunk in his lifetime.

Hercules abruptly stands up, his stool scraping back against the worn wooden floor.

"Herc…? Wha— hEY!"

Hercules grabs a spluttering John by the arm and drags him over towards Aaron's general direction.

John throws a fit, whining and scraping his feet against the floor, going limp into Hercules's grasp until the larger man has no choice but to pick John up like a very small child and march him over to Aaron.

It's quite embarrassing, honestly, but John is too drunk and unhappy to care at this point.

Aaron and the new guy, John's already forgotten his name, watch him with wide eyes as he screams and beats his fists against Hercules's back. But he's so weak and Herc is so strong and steady that it doesn't matter.

"Hello!" Hercules says, raising his voice above John's tantrum, "My name's Hercules Mulligan! This is my shitty friend, John Laurens, who is obviously not having the best day, today!"

"SHUT UP, TALL—ASS!" John screeches.

"What's your name?" Hercules shouts over John's rising wails.

The guy says something but John's so loud none of them can hear it.

"What?" Hercules asks, nearly bellowing.

"Alexander Hamilton!" the kid shouts, his voice tinged with an exotic accent. "Very pleased to meet you and your, err, delightful friend! Lawrence, was it?"

"LAURENS!" John shouts crossly.

"Very nice to meet you, my dear Laurens."

John feels his scream stick in his throat, and astounded, turns around to get a good look at the new kid—Alex—for the first time.

He's thin and scrawny, pale as heck with deep purple shadows under his tired eyes. His hair is a dark brown color, though at the tips it seems to fade weirdly into a lighter reddish color. He's maybe as tall as John, or perhaps an inch shorter. He's wearing this old and frayed black sweatshirt with a weird yellow star on the front that looks like it's about to fall off any second. His hands are twitchy and he has a broken watch on his left arm that repeatedly flashed the numbers 17:57 over and over.

He's not ugly, but not attractive. He's just… foreign.

John sighs and turns back around, listening to the three of them talk about life and other stuff. He begins to nod off just as Alex attempts to ask him something. His last thoughts were on his father. That damned bastard doesn't deserve to be called that.

* * *

 **A/N: So sorry for that awful ending! I rushed it. I'm really sorry that it took me so long to write this, but I'm just not SUPER OBSESSED writing anymore. During the summer, I was OBSESSED with writing, but now since the school year's begun, writing has become a last-priority thing for me. I have a ton of other things that I (foolishly) got myself into, so now I pay the price for getting into too many fandom sites and actually trying to be active on ALL of them** **. This isn't my best work, I know, but I'll try to be better in the future! Thank you all for your support. It means so much to me! Shout-out to my AWESOME beta reader (seriously, my writing isn't half-as-good without her!) L.E-Rae for being amazing and putting up with me! She's seriously _the best_ so if you have time, you should totally check her out! :) I don't know when the next chapter will be up, and I'll just say that it will definitely be posted... before the end of the school year. Hee-hee, I'm so lazy. **

**Until next time,**

 **Siento**


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